Star Wreck: The Voyage Goes On
by Marek The Great
Summary: Well, I wrote it in Script form, so if you don't like it too bad. Anyway, it is my first, so if you think it sucks, don't yell at me… too much. Please review!


Star Wreck:  
The Voyage Goes On  
  


SCENE I::{The original Enterprise is cruising along at Warp 6, with all the standard bridge crew at their appropriate stations looking worried for no reason.}  
KIRK: Captain's Log Stardate 453 no, 435 no, that's not it  
SPOCK: Sir, it is Stardate 4567.8. Remember, it was written that way so you could remember it.  
KIRK: Thank you MisterSpock. Stardate what he said. We are en route to the colonyonAlphaBetaOne to pick up a diplomatic convoy of kind.  
MCCOY: Jim! Stop those da** dramatic pauses, will you?  
KIRK: I will take it under  
{UHURA leaned forward toward Kirk with an expectant look}  
SULU: Please sir, those do annoy us. A lot.  
KIRK: Consideration? Okay. I'll stop. Happy?  
SPOCK: Quite.  
KIRK: *Shakes his head in disbelief that he could annoy them all so, and his toupee falls off* No! My rug! *Starts to lean forward, but stops and presses the intercom button on his chair* Kirk to Scotty.  
SCOTTY: Scott here sir.  
KIRK: Scotty the most feared thing has happened.  
{Bridge crew turns to face Kirk and shoots him angering looks; KIRK smiles weakly}  
SCOTTY: What, sir?  
KIRK: My rug has fallen. Implement emergency plan Alpha Alpha Alpha One.  
SCOTTY: Aye, sir.  
{Dramatic music plays in the background, and everyone on the bridge tenses, waiting to see what would happen. Suddenly, the toupee dematerialized in a shower of swirling glitter, and seconds later reformed on KIRK's semi-bald head}  
KIRK: *unfreezes from his tense position* Mission successful, Scotty!  
SCOTTY: Wonderful. Scott out.  
Checkhov: Sir, unbeknownst to us, for hours an unidentified alien presence has been observing us at our course and speed. In the time it took you to rematerialize your *cough* hair piece, they have fired deadly weapons of mass destruction at us. Impact in not long!  
KIRK: Sulu, can we drop from Warp do avoid the weapons?  
SULU: Normally, we could, but the inertial dampers, which actually haven't been invented yet by the writers, are temporarily off.  
KIRK: What's wrong with them?  
SPOCK: *looks up from that window he is constantly staring into* According to my sensors, nothing. They were deactivated most likely so we can have a plot this episode.  
KIRK: Gene is always doing stuff like that! Well, what can we do?  
SPOCK: Not much.  
Checkhov: Impact in ten seconds.  
{Dramatic music increases, fade to black}  
  


--------Normal Intro (Space the final frontier)--------  
  


{Back on the bridge, everyone is quite scared and just basically waiting to die. Yeoman Rand conveniently comes out of the turbolift to scream.}  
SCOTTY: Sir, I might point out that you left the intercom on so I know our condition. I think I can solve the problem. Our shields should defend us sufficiently.  
KIRK: We can raise our shields at Warp?  
SCOTTY: Well, it's just possible that the ionized micro-replication would signal the modular enhancer, thus enabling us to activate our shields at Warp, but only if we encrypt the non-linear hologram and analyze the extra-dimensional tube! It'll take me at least four hours, but since we only have, well, less than that time, I'll have it done in four seconds.  
Checkhov: Hey, I heard about that method. It was developed by a little old lady from Leningrad.  
MCCOY: Chekhov, everything with you was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad! What's with this former Soviet Union allegiance?  
SPOCK: That is immaterial since we will be destroyed in six seconds if this does not work. And anyway, it is St. Petersburg now, Mr. Chekhov.  
Checkhov: I knew that. Really.  
SCOTTY: I've got it Captain!  
KIRK: *stands up and stares at view screen while dramatic music ceases to increase the tense scene and says boldly* On screen.  
{The view screen changes from the same old stars flying by at high speeds to a side view where two large, blurry light sources are rapidly flying toward the ship. At the point where impact seems imminent, the light sources explode, rocking the ship lightly. Everyone goes flying in every direction possible.}  
KIRK: Aren't we supposed to go in one direction? I mean, when we fall?  
SULU: *quickly checking script* Why, yes sir.  
{Suddenly, a checker-topped slate blots out the entire screen. The top raises, and then is slammed down, as an ominous voice says Take Two. Everyone is back in their tense positions.}  
SCOTTY: I've got it captain!  
KIRK: *same as before* On screen.  
{Again, the screen changes its view, the weapons hit for the second time, and everyone flies to the right side.}  
KIRK: *gives himself a silent applaud* The shields held! Resume course, Mister Sulu.  
SPOCK: But, sir, do you not want to pursue that alien vessel? It is still within firing range.  
KIRK: *Looks around to every officer looking at him* Um, I guess. Bones, what do you think?  
MCCOY: I'm a doctor, Jim, not a tactician!  
SPOCK: *breaks from character looks off camera* Hey! Gene! Does HE always have to say that?  
{Faraway muffled voice says, Yes Leonard, he does. Slate once again, take three}  
SCOTTY: I've got it captain!  
KIRK: *same as before* On screen.  
{Again, the screen changes its view, the weapons hit for the second time, and everyone flies to the right side.}  
KIRK: The shields held! Resume course, Mister Sulu.  
SPOCK: But, sir, do you not want to pursue that alien vessel? It is still within firing range.  
KIRK: *Looks around to every officer looking at him* Um, I guess. Bones, what do you think?  
MCCOY: I'm a doctor, Jim, not a tactician!  
SPOCK: *Gives Deforest a subtle stink eye* Sir, please pursue. They can, and most likely will fire again.  
KIRK: Okay, Sulu, change course to intercept that vessel.  
SULU: I can't sir, the ship has vanished, and we have changed course to take us to a planet called well, it is nameless, but it is pretty close. I am locked out!  
KIRK: Kirk to Scotty, do you know why we have suddenly changed course?  
SCOTTY: Aye. Captain, the helm converter has enhanced itself to auto-pilot mode because the weapon's after-dampening resonance is about to stabilize the sub-space tube!  
KIRK: What can we do?  
SCOTTY: Well, If we can destabilize the Warp field's extra-dimensional cloud, thus destabilizing the sub-space tube, we might be able to replicate a magnetic inhibitor and detect the diagnostic force-field! Once we have the modulation of the forcefield, we should have helm back.  
SPOCK: To inhibit the sub-space tube would not be logical, because the alignment turbulence would then transform nebulous matter into a non-corporeal mine.  
KIRK and MCCOY: *simultaneously* Would you two just shut up and give us some straight answers what the how are we talking at the same time? This is weird! How the shut up you! No, you!  
UHURA: *jumps out of her seat and kicks both of them down* Would you two shut up already?!  
KIRK and MCCOY: *stumble to their feet and say simultaneously* Okay.  
{MCCOY walks into the turbolift to escape UHURA's kicking power.}  
KIRK: Okay, so in English, Scotty, what can we do?  
SCOTTY: Well, in light of what Mr. Spock has just said, I don't know!  
KIRK: *Looks right at the camera* I have an idea. Let's break for commercials!  
  


--------Commercial Break--------  
  


{The bridge crew is sitting at their stations, looking worried, except for UHURA who is gone.}  
KIRK: Where did Uhura go?  
SULU: Um, sir, she left. Her average of one point seven lines per show have already been filmed. She's off to work on her golf game.  
KIRK: Right. Well, Scotty, figured anything out yet?  
SCOTTY: Well, Captain, it was a choice between watching Regis plug Cornflakes, or try to solve this helm problem, so I came up with something. If we can rearrange the non-corporeal self-replicating mine, we might be able to enhance the gravitational beam and encode the diagnostic nacelle! That would give us helm control!  
KIRK: *quickly glances at Spock for a confirming nod, finds it, and nods himself* Well do it then, Scotty!  
SCOTTY: Already done sir! You should have control now.  
SULU: Sir, I have control!  
KIRK: Scotty, you are a miracle worker.  
Checkhov: Sir, it may be too late for that. We have dropped out of Warp and are locked in orbit around that nameless planet!  
{Suddenly, an alien apparition appears on the bridge. He is humanoid, except that he has seven arms and seems to be carrying a jackrabbit.}  
ALIEN APPARITION: *looks at KIRK* You will beam down to these coordinates. Bring your pointy eared one and your medical assistant.  
Checkhov: Sir, I am receiving coordinates! On the planet!  
ALIEN APPARITION: No sh** Sherlock! *vanishes into thin air*  
KIRK: Well, let's go!  
SPOCK: *annoyed* Sir, there is nothing requiring us to obey him.  
KIRK: *sheepishly* Oh, that's right.  
{ALIEN APPARITION reappears}  
ALIEN APPARITION: Oh yes there is. If you don't, we will destroy you.  
KIRK: What makes you think you can destroy us? Huh? Well?  
ALIEN APPARITION: Um, cause I have this. Observe.  
{A red-shirted ENSIGN runs out of the turbolift, just in time for ALIEN APPARITION to pull out a tricorder looking device. he aims at the ENSIGN and fires a mysterious yellow beam from it at him, accompanied by the old phaser sound effect.  
ENSIGN: AHHHHHHHHH! *melts into a red puddle on the floor, and then evaporates*  
{Bridge crew exchange horrified looks and dramatic music plays intensely hard.}  
ALIEN APPARITION: We have one 527.3 times as powerful on the surface. Believe me, you will be destroyed if you don't beam down.  
KIRK: See, Spock. So there.  
ALIEN APPARITION: You have one minute to decide. *vanishes again, then reappears quickly* Or else! *makes a cutting gesture across his neck, and vanishes a third time*  
{Bridge crew exchange even more horrified looks, dramatic music increases to deafening volume}  
KIRK: *grabs a phaser* That's enough.  
{camera swivels to show mini orchestra in that corner of the bridge you never see. KIRK fires, vaporizing them, and all music ceases. Bridge crew looks at KIRK strangely.}  
KIRK: What? Come on, Spock. Scotty, you get up here and take the bridge. And tell Bones to report to Transporter Room the only one we've got. We're going down there  
SCENE II::{Three swirly glittering figures appear in the middle of a desert. They turn into KIRK, MCCOY, and SPOCK, who look around, and find a city wall in front of them Behind is a devise that looks exactly like the ALIEN APPARITION's device, except exactly 527.3 times larger.}  
SPOCK: *pulls out his tricorder* Scanning that is the device the apparition spoke of.  
MCCOY: You sure have a knack for stating the obvious! You green blooded alien guy!  
SPOCK: *breaks from character* You wanna go? Right here!  
MCCOY: Bring it!  
{MCCOY and SPOCK lunge at each other and kick up an obscuring dust cloud. Every other second, 1970's Batman-like onomatopoeia flash across the screen accompanied by yelling and symbol crashing.}  
KIRK: I thought I dissolved that orchestra.  
{Fighting continues, and KIRK resists the urge to join the brawl.}  
KIRK: Okay guys. Guys. GUYS!  
{The fight abruptly ends and the dust clears, with MCCOY in a half-nelson and SPOCK pinned by MCCOY's elbows. The ALIEN, this time in person, appears before them.}  
ALIEN: We will have no fighting in this city. Plus, we don't need you two. *waves his had, and they disappear*  
KIRK: Where did you bring them?  
ALIEN: They are back on the ship, safely. What we need is you. Come. *gestures for KIRK to enter the town.*  
{KIRK and ALIEN enter the town, and walk into a bar. They sit at a table and begin a discussion after ordering two beers.  
KIRK: Okay, who are you, what do you want with me, why are you threatening us, and what is the meaning of life?!  
{Suddenly a fellow with two heads and three arms strolls by with three other humanoids and a robot of some kind.}  
TWO-HEADED AND THREE-ARMED MAN: Well, that's obvious! It's 42. The question is, what is the question of life! And monkeyman here won't help us!  
{As soon as the people had appeared, they walked away.}  
KIRK: Well, that was odd.  
ALIEN: Well, I am Bob, I need you to help me, I figured if I didn't threaten you, you would leave, and, like he said, 42. I thought everyone knew that 29 years and five novels later. Anyway, I need you to do the most arduous of tasks. I need you to  
{Bar band suddenly plays excruciatingly dramatic music.}  
KIRK: Two in one day! For the love of Risa, no! *stands up, whips out his phaser, and vaporizes the band.* Wait, Risa hasn't been invented yet.  
BOB: Thanks. That band has been bugging me for three years now. Anyway, I need you to FEED MY PET BOBBY!  
{Dramatic music comes from nowhere, as if to mock KIRK.}  
KIRK: *smiles* Well, that sounds simple. Let's do it.  
{They stand to leave the bar, just as the waiter arrives with the beers. KIRK throws a coin to the waiter and they walk out.}  
  
SCENE III::{On board the Enterprise, MCCOY and SPOCK have been relieved for their inappropriate scuffle on the surface. MCCOY has vowed to get SPOCK back for that half-nelson. They are both on the bridge.}  
SCOTTY: Spock, get a sensor reading on the Captain, please.  
SPOCK: Sir, I am off duty.  
SCOTTY: Just look in the box!  
MCCOY: Yes, Spock, look in the da** box already! *he snickers silently*  
{Spock looks in the blue-glow emanating box, but then stands up. There is a black ring around his face.}  
SPOCK: Sir, is there something odd in this room?  
MCCOY: *cracks up* The old ink on the sensor window gag! You fell for it! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! *walks into the turbolift*  
SPOCK: Sir, I am going to my quarters.  
SCOTTY: *suppressing the urge to laugh uncontrollably* Aye.  
{SPOCK walks into the turbolift, which has finished moving MCCOY, and disappeared behind the doors.  
Checkhov: *turns to face Scotty* The oldest trick in the book. Invented by a little old lady from Leningrad.  
{Turbolift doors reopen on some nameless deck of the Enterprise, SPOCK exits and walks down the corridors, eventually comes to the sickbay, and walks into it.}  
SPOCK: Dr. McCoy, please assist me in removing this ring.  
MCCOY: *appears from around a corner* Okay, Spock. I'll get some spot remover from my cupboard.  
{SPOCK follows MCCOY into the next room and pauses at the doorway. MCCOY walks up to a cupboard and opens the door. Silly string flies into MCCOY's face, and SPOCK smiles. He grabs the spot remover and runs out of the sickbay, laughing.}  
MCCOY: Ohhh that stolid smartypants is gonna pay. *wipes his face in a medical rag* He will pay dearly.  
SCENE IV::{KIRK and BOB walk through the desert, BOB brandishing a can of Beast Food which slightly worried KIRK.}  
BOB: Here it is. BOBBY! COME OUT!  
{A huge monster, resembling a Klingon Targ, only exactly 527.3 times larger, jumped out of the ground, barking up a storm. It jumped, causing earthquakes, and drooled, causing torrential downpours.}  
BOB: See why I can't feed him?  
KIRK: Yeah, but why did you choose me?  
BOB: Your ship was passing through the sector, so it seemed the most convenient thing. I've tied to get rid of him, but I can't, and if he gets too hungry, he eats people.  
KIRK: Delightful. Give me the food. *receives the can from BOB and walks toward BOBBY.}  
KIRK: Here doggy. Here is your food.  
{BOBBY snarls at BOB, then smiles at KIRK and sits down. KIRK pets him, hands him his food, and walks back to BOB.}  
KIRK: Can I go now?  
BOB: *in disbelief* How? HUH?  
KIRK: Just be nice to him. Please can I go?  
BOB: Yes, you are free to leave.  
KIRK: *flips open communicator* Kirk to Enterprise. Beam me up, Scotty.  
{KIRK vanishes in a shower of swirling glitter.}  
BOB: Nice, huh, What an odd idea.  
  
SCENE V:: {Kirk walks onto the bridge, welcomed by all, including SPOCK and MCCOY.}  
SCOTTY: What happened down there?  
KIRK: Well, I had to feed a dog that had been supposedly terrorizing the town.  
SCOTTY: *in disbelief* A DOG, sir?  
KIRK: Yes, about, well, exactly 527.3 times the size of a Targ. Wait, those haven't been invented by the writers yet!  
{Suddenly, SPOCK opened his lunch box, and out of it came no less than twenty bottled snakes, most of which hit him in the face. MCCOY starts to laugh, and then itches himself all over. SPOCK raises a can of empty itch powder, and he starts laughing. They tackle each other into the turbolift yelling swears and fighting grunts.}  
KIRK: Right. Well, suffice it to say, that his bark was worse than his bite!  
{Everyone on the bridge starts laughing like they do at the end of a poorly written sitcom, and the Enterprise leaves orbit.} THE END


End file.
